Saturday, January 3, 2009

Books I Could Write: Christmas Edition

After trading stories with some of my co-workers about the joys of family Christmas get-togethers, we thought we could write a few chapters on the subject. This how-to-survive guide would be great for those newly-married couples spending their first Christmas with the in-laws as well as seasoned travelers who look forward to (dread) the trip to see family every year. For my real-life family and in-laws...please keep in mind that some of these are derived from both my and my coworkers' experiences and others are greatly exaggerated. Some, however, are completely true and you know it!! :)

Chapter List

1. Claustrophobia Defined: How to fit 35 people in a 1000 square foot farm house

2. You Know You're A Red-neck if...: Your Christmas letter includes excerpts from your deposition in your most recent child custody hearing.


3. Why I Slugged My Brother: 999 different hilarious voices you can use to sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in a small car

4. Santa is the New Heavyweight Champion of the World: Why I never pictured Pay-Per-View UFC Fighting as capturing the spirit of the season.

5. Seeing Stars: What happens when 13 cameras simultaneously go off, trying to capture all 17 grandchildren smiling, not crying, and not pinching each other while we all sing the praises of digital cameras.

6. One-upped Again: The feeling you get when your grandpa opens the box of chocolate-covered cherries you gave him, right after crying over the folded and framed U.S. flag your cousin's husband (home on leave from Iraq) had flown over his overseas military base in grandpa's honor.

7. Do I Look Fat?: What to say when multiple aunts ask if you are expecting, just because you've been married over a year (or four).

8. Is it Supposed to Smell Like This?: Why it pays to question which family made those thumbprint cookies before chowing down.

9. Don't Forget your Shower Shoes: Grandpa can shower in a corner of the cement-block basement by the light of the bare bulb on the opposite side of the room, and so can you.

10. No Ring, No Present: The hard-and-fast rules some families employ when it comes to which of their kids'/grandkids' significant others receive presents.

Any chapters you'd like to add?

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