Water Makes me Fat

I could find you at least 4 articles telling you how great drinking water is for your health--helps you lose weight, live longer, gives you shinier hair, healthier skin, higher IQ, x-ray vision, etc. There's even a how-to manual on how to drink water...if you just clicked that link, you have some serious instructional issues.

I've been trying to drink my recommended 8 cups of water a day, necessitating 8 trips to the water cooler. At 28 steps or 89 feet, this means I am burning 19 calories a day walking to and fro per DAY! Double that for the 8 additional trips I take to the restroom. (Very rarely do I think to combine the "fill with liquid" trip with the "empty liquid" trip. I AM efficient enough, though, to combine my water trip with a glance and subsequent grazing of the candy tray displayed directly opposite of the water cooler...so there!) This calorie-burning trip to the cooler means that I should lose 1 lb for every 736.8 cups of water drunk! Then why am I not being mistaken for Nicole Richie?

Here's a look at my busy schedule:

• Cup of water #1 + 5 gummy bears
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #2 + 3 bonbons
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #3 + 1 Toblerone triangle ....who am I kidding, THREE Toblerone triangles
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #4 + 2 sugar-sanded licorice pieces
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #5 + Ritter Sport Knusperflakes mini bar (don't knock cornflakes in European chocolate till you've tried it)
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #6 + random seasonal marshmallow-possibly shaped like a reindeer and/or an eyeball
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #7 + by this time, it's usually 10:30am and we're down to slim pickin's in the ol' candy tray...maybe a watermelon Zotz if you're lucky
• Bathroom break
• Cup of water #8 + whatever no one else grabbed is now free for the finishing
• Bathroom break (possibly the most important one of the day DO NOT FORGET before you get in your car to commute 31 miles with only 1 Hardees in between here and there!)

I'm drinking my ever-lovin' 8 cups of water a day and hoofing it doggone close to a quarter mile a day for my trouble, so why am I not losing weight?
Must be the Zotz.