House Rules

You know those signs with "House Rules" on it that say inspiring things like "In This House, we do Hugs"?  Great aspirations but can we get a reality check, please?  If our "house rules" were based solely on the "rules" that have come out of my mouth today, the list would look more like this:

• Do not feed the non-marshmallow part of your Lucky Charms to the dog
• Do not get dressed in full view of the front picture window
• Do not eat your socks (okay, she's 6 months, we'll cut her some slack)
• Do not spit up all over Mommy's pants 2 minutes before it's time to leave for work (again, unintentional, but still, it should be a law)
• Do not use a coat hanger to stage an epic battle of Hook vs. Pan
• Do not put tiny Legos in your mouth
• Do not believe the public TV add that claims blending up a frozen banana for four minutes tastes like ice cream. They sleep on a bed of lies. 
• Do not growl at me when I ask you if you want a muffin
• When I say "Don't touch the pan, it's hot", don't check how hot it is...with your finger
• Do not punch your brother in the face while we are praying
• Do not claim that it wasn't his face, it was just his cheek
• Do not keep your eyes crossed the whole time I am lecturing you 
• Do not leave your chair or talk or move or make any sounds for three minutes while I wash the chocolate off your brother's fingers and figure out what to do with you.
• When you promise you will not bother Dad when he's mowing, don't attack the mower with a snow shovel every time it goes past.
• Do not roll marbles under the stove and then cry because they are "wost"

Is it bedtime yet?