How to Bake a Pie

Step 1: Dig out bags of frozen sliced apples (8 cups) from bottom of deep freeze and thaw for a day.

Step 2: Bundle up little buddy and go for a stroller ride downtown. Stop at library, then go to grocery store where they are having a run sale on frozen pie crusts. Buy 3 sets, just in case.

Step 3: Realize that getting frozen pie crusts home in one piece when they are riding in the bottom of the stroller traveling over treacherous sidewalk and potholed pavement wasn't the brightest ideas, but at least pat yourself on the back for deciding not to buy eggs.


Step 4: Read and puzzle over directions on back of deep dish pie shell package. How does one "invert one crust and let thaw until it is flat"? Apparently trying to remove it from the tin foil plate before it thaws doesn't work so well. Better luck next time.

Step 5: Mix apples with 1 c. sugar, 3 Tbsp Bread flour because it is in front of the All-Purpose container in the cupboard, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 tsp salt, 3 tsp fresh lemon juice (or the bottle of lemon juice you've had in the fridge for over a year). Leave out the 1/2 tsp grated lemon rind because you do not have any lemon rind of any kind and are not going to make another trip to the store and pay a day's wages for a lemon in October.

Step 6: Realize that thawed apples make lots of juice, so use a slotted spoon to fill pie crust instead of pouring in the mixture. Leave much of the sugar and spices behind in the juice. Dot top with 2 Tbsp. of butter (or your closest guess). This isn't science people...I hope.

Step 7: Piece back together the top crust by pushing together with fingers. Kind of like a puzzle. Then put on top of pie and pinch edges together. I'd say to "flute" it, but that seems a bit fancy for what actually took place.

Step 8: Cut decorative slits in top. Not that there weren't already some slits caused by top crust not holding together well, but at least this way it looks like you tried.

Step 9: Brush top with egg yolk mixed with 1 Tbsp. water. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar even though the recipe doesn't call for it because you just want to add that something "extra".

Step 10: Bake at 425 for 40 minutes. Remember to put on baking sheet or stone so the sticky overflow doesn't pool in the bottom of your oven. Trust me and three breakfast pizzas: you don't want none of that.

Step 11: Place on cooling rack. Realize it's a little overdone, but too late now to put tin foil on the edges!

Step 12: Bring to church for Soup & Pie Supper tomorrow and make sure to grab a piece...of french silk pie...when you go through the line.

Step 13: Repeat 3-4 times next week for the harvest auction since your Work Group is in charge of bringing 3-4 pies each.  Or make Rice Krispie bars and throw in a few M&Ms to really gourmet it up.

Kids don't like pie anyway, am I right?