Dog For Sale

Breed: Claimed to be purebred beagle but have since discovered she is a Beagle-Wuss mix

Age: 5/old enough to know better

Size: 13" at shoulder with plenty to love. Has a bit of a body image disconnect as she thinks she's a lap dog, yet runs from 4 pound Yorkies.

Coloring: Tri-color (black/brown/white) with occasional sprinklings of milk or ketchup from the dishwasher

Breeding possibilities: none-the gene pool stops here, thank goodness

Hunting Skills: none, she is a pure welfare dog

Shedding: yes, sir, especially on fleece blankets and work pants

Manners: Will belch after each bowl of water and pass gas in mixed company

Disposition: Lazy until someone walks by the house, then channels her inner Doberman

Diet: Will only eat dog food when others are home and will steal any food you bring into living room, usually by distracting you by causing a mess in another room and then sprinting to the coffee table when you get up to check it out

Travel: Whines the entire time and does not like slowing down or turning corners, so basically if you have earplugs on the the Oklahoma turnpike, you're good

Tricks: Opening kitchen and bathroom cupboards to access trash unless child safety locks are in place; sits on command about 17% of the time; eats diapers, but only the good stuff

Extra Special Skills: Impossible to cut toenails without muzzle and strong man holding her. One toenail will bleed and then when your husband takes her for a walk three days later, wound will reopen while washing off her feet and she will race through entire carpeted portion of the house like a maniac, leaving 50+ spots of blood on carpet a few minutes before you are scheduled to lead FPU class at church. 

Price: Your sanity

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