Wednesday, May 20, 2015

House Rules

You know those signs with "House Rules" on it that say inspiring things like "In This House, we do Hugs"?  Great aspirations but can we get a reality check, please?  If our "house rules" were based solely on the "rules" that have come out of my mouth today, the list would look more like this:

  • Do not feed the non-marshmallow part of your Lucky Charms to the dog
  • Do not get dressed in full view of the front picture window
  • Do not eat your socks (okay, she's 6 months, we'll cut her some slack)
  • Do not spit up all over Mommy's pants 2 minutes before it's time to leave for work (again, unintentional, but still, it should be a law)
  • Do not use a coat hanger to stage an epic battle of Hook vs. Pan
  • Do not put tiny Legos in your mouth
  • Do not believe the public TV add that claims blending up a frozen banana for four minutes tastes like ice cream. They sleep on a bed of lies. 
  • Do not growl at me when I ask you if you want a muffin
  • When I say "Don't touch the pan, it's hot", don't check how hot it is...with your finger
  • Do not punch your brother in the face while we are praying
  • Do not claim that it wasn't his face, it was just his cheek
  • Do not keep your eyes crossed the whole time I am lecturing you 
  • Do not leave your chair or talk or move or make any sounds for three minutes while I wash the chocolate off your brother's fingers and figure out what to do with you.
  • When you promise you will not bother Dad when he's mowing, don't attack the mower with a snow shovel every time it goes past.
  • Do not roll marbles under the stove and then cry because they are "wost"
Is it bedtime yet?


Julie Visscher said...

Perfect, Courtney, in EVERY way! I'll add this one that I used more than once: "Do not lick the dog or share her food."

Sandy Groom-Meeks said...

Hilarious! Now, as grandparents, we find it simultaneously adorable and hysterically funny. Thanks so much for sharing your creativity!